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The 5th Annual Pleasure Pledge is running from Feb 1 – Feb 21, 2019. 

It’s never too late to join us, so sign up at www.thepleasurepledge.com

Three easy steps to maximize your Pleasure Pledge: 

✧ Sign-up, it’s free!

✧ Follow on Instagram. 

✧ Join our Private Women’s Only Facebook Group. 

That’s it! Now you’ll receive our daily tips for elevating your sexual aliveness, get bonuses including LIVE sessions with world class coaches, and be entered to win prizes galore!

Loads of love and I look forward to meeting you in the Facebook group soon!

How You Do It versus What You Do (in bed)

You’ve probably noticed that I’m not your traditional “sex tips” girl. The truth is that I’m less interested in what you do than I am in how you do it.

Being told what to do in bed might fill the pages of glossy magazines every month, but eventually a laser focus on only what to do grows tedious and tiresome. Especially if you’re looking for instructions on what to do as a way of avoiding an exploration of how you are doing it.

A woman recently told me that her practice around watching porn wasn’t leaving her feeling good. As you know, it’s the feeling good, not the act of watching porn, that we’re into at O’actually. So hers was a very important reveal to consider.

We were on a video call at the time and behind her concerned face was a room thoughtfully adorned with colorful tapestries, vases of fresh and dried flowers, and a smattering of other beautiful goodies. All of which indicated a stylistic care for environment that felt important to note.

I wondered if the same care she’d giving to her home was being given to her pleasure? 

I asked her what, if any, approach she took toward watching her porn of choice? She looked puzzled, which is understandable considering most of us don’t have spaces to consider these types of questions. She then answered that she doesn’t put much care, if any, into how she watches. She just does so, “quickly.”

Her share of her non-approach actually revealed that she did, of course, have an approach. But it wasn’t the intentional thoughtful one she brought to much of her life. Instead, when it came to self pleasure she was on a hurried autopilot. Her non-approach approach embodied a persistent quality of urgency.

When I first asked her if she could bring some more intention, presence, and gratitude to her self-pleasure, I could feel her eye roll. But she didn’t need to fear me advising some elaborate and time consuming routine involving all the bath salts, all the candles, all the breathing, and all the rose petals…. Instead we chuckled in acknowledgement that all that is only sometimes lovely. But it’s certainly not all always necessary.

For her, it was important to keep it meaningful but simple. So she decided to make two shifts to ground her approach (her how) with roots of self-love and joy. 1) She decided to light ONE candle as an appreciative nod to her opening an intentional moment of pleasurable release. 2) Before gently closing her laptop, she’d say to herself, “Thank you for that. It was fun.”

She told me a few weeks later that the added twenty seconds to her routine shifted the whole experience. It turned out, this woman simply needed an extra permission slip for pleasure. Permission for her self-quickie be joyous and permission for that to be joyously okay.

Reminding us once again, it’s really not about what you do, it’s how you do it.

Does your approach need an intentional and joyous re-boot?

Cheers to grounding your approach in joy and bringing forward that joy into a new year.

With love,

Kitter xo

Let’s be real. You probably don’t have time to read this post. That’s legit. However….

If you’re thinking you don’t have time for yourself and your pleasure this holiday season, that’s another story. 

When something is non-negotiable, it just is, well, non-negotiable. It’s like my mentor tells me about meditation. “Kit, it’s just got to become like brushing your teeth. You just do it, twice a day, every day.”

So I’m here to remind you that just like your oral health and your mental health, the health of your relationship to pleasure is also important. But believe me, I get the resistance.

The days I’m back in my hometown for the holidays, I have wonderful but packed days. There are so many people with whom I want to see and hug. In the past years, I’ve re-arranged my relationship to time and now I am usually prompt for dozens of meet-ups over just a few festive days. I map out these visits weeks in advance and I make sure to show up when and where I’ve said I’ll be.

Last year, before going to bed on Dec 23rd, I checked my calendar for the next day to make sure I was on top everything. Smack in the middle of visits, errands, and party prep, was an appointment titled “Bath. Seriously, do it.”

I don’t remember putting it in there, but the “Seriously, do it” part was a reminder that a pleasurable pause isn’t a selfish one.  After all, a relaxed, embodied, nourished Kitter is a way more enjoyable holiday companion than a stressed out one.

Even so, I nearly canceled last minute. But just as I was about to say “no way, there’s no time,” I realized something: the first and only appointment I was willing to cancel, was the one I had booked with myself.

I wouldn’t have cancelled on anyone other than myself which felt shitty and was a pattern that I wasn’t okay with perpetuating.

I made a fancy booze free cocktail, I got a piece of chocolate, I lit a candle, and I took a pic of my holiday pedicure. Then I put away technology and just soaked. It’s so simple. It actually didn’t take much time, and yet, total transformation.

The bath itself was lovely, yes. But it turned out it mostly wasn’t about the bath. It was about slowing down and showing up for myself like I show up for others – with presence, gratitude, and joy.  

And you, dear one? How will you prioritize your pleasure this holiday season? I invite you book in some time for yourself and to take the calendar appointment just as seriously as you would any other one.

Happiest of holidays and bubble bath love to you,

In need of some last minute gifts? We’ve got you. Here are three outstanding gifts (and they’re discounted too!)

Gift: Tantric Massage course by Beducated is currently on sale for the O’actually community.
Discount: $300 off. Just $197 for you. Offer expires on Dec 25th.
Who it is for: The man or woman who already has more than enough material possessions but is ready to epically up-level their pleasure threshold. Perfect for partnership.
Link: http://beducate.me/oaxmas

Gift: My Little Yoni
Discount: 30% off.
Who it is for: The woman who might need a little playful reminder of self-love. Perfect as a hostess gift your New Year’s Eve gathering.
Link: https://www.mylittleyoni.com/

Smokin Video Membership: Almost all of our #ethicalporn partners are offering steep holiday sales. It’s a great time to join!

Have you ever googled something even when you already knew it was just going to lead to a quagmire of confusion?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m genuinely unclear on how we functioned before Grandmother google graced us with instant ability to know everything. However, sometimes everything isn’t actually helpful. 

This was the case when a woman recently wrote to me saying that she was struggling with vaginal orgasm.

She admitted she’d done all the googling and yet, she just wasn’t finding useful information. If anything, what she was reading was making her and her partner feel more and more like they weren’t enough.

In a world where key communication is limited to 140 characters and sounds bites are honored over nuance, we often end these searches with lots of information yet little understanding. The result is more confusion, more concern, and less of an idea of what to do.

In my response to this lovely lady (with remarkably common concerns about penetrative pleasure), I was upfront about my non-linear and sound bite free reply.

I am thankful for her willingness to consider an alternative from formulaic approaches (it’s not easy to let go of our stronghold on quick fixes!). It was wonderful to hear back from her that it was “some of the most helpful advice and I really can’t thank you enough.”

I’m sharing my personalized response to this individual in hopes that it might have a collective resonance with you.

Her (very common) concern: I’m having trouble reaching a full orgasm via only vaginal penetration.

My response:

Love, thank you for bringing this query to me.

Firstly, I feel you in this struggle. Orgasms from only vaginal penetration are a particularly elusive thing for many of us.

One of the reasons your internet searches aren’t feeling very helpful is because even though this is a common concern for many women, addressing it is personal to each individual.  

One question to consider at this point is, “why does it matter?” I mostly ask to take some of the pressure off for a bit. If penetration is feeling good* and clitoral orgasms are accessible, then maybe focus primarily on the awesomeness of that. And your partner can feel really good about that too!!!!

(*Please let me know if penetration is not feeling good or if there is any pain because that might reveal some different stuff happening.)

Okay, so first step, take some of the pressure off and feel really good about good sex and clitoral climax. And also give some extra praise and gratitude to your partner here! I love that you two are communicating on this – wonderful and impressive!

Secondly, how familiar are you and your partner with your female prostate? This is a game changer and my friend Hayley Porter has taught me so much here. There is an interview I did with her last year that might be helpful. It’s called “it’s not pee!” and it’s a podcast which you can find on O’actually or on iTunes with Pleasure with O’actually podcast. I mention this for a number of reasons. One is that when there is a concern in one area it’s fun (and useful) to take a pause on the concern and discover something/deepen with something new together. Just. for. FUN! No need to put any pressure on female ejaculation. My invitation here to you is to focus on finding your prostate and giving her some extra greetings and love. 

Thirdly, our culture doesn’t often talk about how different various types of orgasms are from one another. This is when our culture’s comparison shadow comes up and we start comparing even our orgasms. We start expecting a sameness or placing a hierarchy on them. Hierarchy with even our orgasms! Yeesh. Patriarchy creeps into everything!I But I’ve totally been there with this myself.

So allowing the penetration feels to be honored in a way that is without comparison to the clitoral feels, will be a welcomed shift for your body and system.

Pause there. This might not be the linear answer that others give and it is purposely restrained. There is plenty already here to explore in intimacy with yourself and your partner.

Play, stay curious, and enjoy. You’re doing great. 

So much love and pleasure to you, Kit xx

And to you dear reader, so much love and pleasure too,