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Rashida Jones Takes a Giant Leap for Womankind

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(And We Love Her For It)

Hot Girls Wanted

When we heard Rashida Jones say, “Women should feel pleasure and have sex and feel good about it,” we didn’t just want to stand up and cheer – we actually threw our hands in the air and let out a celebratory squeal. Rashida Jones, actress, comedic genius, comic book writer and rock-star of critical thinking, was singing our song.

Her female-pleasure believing ways were highlighted recently during interviews for Hot Girls Wanted, a documentary she produced about the amateur porn industry, where Rashida continued her involvement in the female-sexuality conversation.

“What I have a problem with is that the tipping point — it became that it was so pro-forma for women to be sexualized on a mainstream level that it’s the only way to be sexy. It’s just this one way and it’s the porn way, it’s the stripper way.”

Oh man. Yes.  For so long, adult entertainment has been about what men want rather than genuine female pleasure. Even traditional entertainment tends to default to stereotypes of women as sex objects, with women bending over backwards (or bending over forwards – just twerking it out) to sell their image as sex symbols. Rashida has a different way of describing this performative way of being sexy: “I find [it] oddly boring.”

Oh woman! Yes indeed. How we express ourselves sexually isn’t limited to what we think someone else wants from us. We’d rather be part of a diverse sexual landscape, where the most important part of sex is genuine pleasure, regardless of what it looks like.

Forget standing up and cheering. We’re going to go hold an O’actually dance party for this news.

Margaret Cho Gets Hysterical

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It’s no secret Margaret Cho is a champion for women’s pleasure. When asked what her sex life was like recently, she responded, “Amazing amazing amazing.” Her openness with female sexuality and love of laughter made her a great subject for one of our favorite projects ever: Hysterical Literature.

Clayton Cubitt’s project reveals the real, surprising, sexy and playfulness of women’s pleasure through art. In it, he asks a variety of women to sit down and read out loud from a book they love. Just out of sight, ducked under a table, an assistant distracts the reader with a vibrator. The women continue to read until they can’t read anymore, overcome with those powerful convulsions of pleasure that take them overly entirely.

Cho’s session shows her being both vulnerable and enjoying herself at the same time – in essence, the ultimate badass. We almost feel like we shouldn’t be watching her because the moment is so real and intimate, which makes the whole thing that much better.

See Margaret Cho and her entirely awesome self here:

Whether this project is art or sex is up for debate. What we do know is it’s genre bending and boundary breaking – and we love it.

Be sure to check out the rest of the sessions. Watching these women attempt to accomplish a simple task, while being distracted with pleasure and finally succomb will affect you.

Enjoy and let us know, which is your favorite Hysterical Literature session?

Orgasmically yours,
Team O’a

Why You Definitely Should Kiss and Tell

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Laying out on a warm blanket, halfway between wanting to make out and wanting to just cuddle, your partner asks, What’s something you’ve always wanted to do with another person?

You know they’re not talking about sharing one milkshake with two straws, or even going to Bali on a romantic adventure. The implied but missing ending to that sentence is while getting naked.

Even though you love sex, sharing fantasies with your partner can be well, a little freaky. Yes, you want to be open with your wants and needs, and yes, you want to be able to tell each other anything. But does anything really mean EVERYTHING?

Divulging our innermost sexual fantasies is intimidating because it makes us feel vulnerable. We hope we won’t be judged, or worse, shunned, for what gets us going. Allowing another person into the sexy side of our brain is an intimate act of faith.

Heart-pounding as it may be open your mouth and say the words I’ve always wanted to try…I have to say, I think the reward is totally worth the risk. Opening up to a partner you trust about your desires can be transformative and lead to mind-blowing orgasms.

We even have the personal shares to back it up!

A few years back a friend turned 30. As reflective a time as that was (and is for people), she realized that she was nearing her sexual prime. Yet, instead of worry about it, or feeling disappointed that her best sex years were “already” upon her, she took a deep breath and talked to her partner about it. Together they decided it was time to heat things up in the bedroom. They made it the year of sexual exploration and dedicated themselves to discovering what turned HER on! Their goal was to make her cum every time. The best part was how much fun they had that year exploring. And now, a few years and partners later, my friend is still prioritizing what she finds most pleasurable in bed! Success!

Now, if you’ve ever thought you *might* want to play in the realm of the BDSM world, don’t worry, you are in great company!

A member of our inner circle was curious about the world of BDSM and was interested in playing with some of its lighter elements during sex. Fortunately, she summed the courage to share her desire with her trusted partner. Instead of shaming her, he was all IN with her! Together they found themselves laughing and experiencing HOTT pleasure while exploring some elements of BDSM. They both felt safe and in control of how far they wanted to go. Win – Win – oh yeah WIN, baby!

Our third personal share comes from a woman who confessed to being turned on by the idea of a ménage à trois. She was nervous to bring this up because she was afraid she and her partner might at times feel jealous or neglected during the experience. But, she shared her concerns at the same time she opened up about her fantasy and together they put honesty first as they embarked upon the adventure. She and her partner openly communicated throughout the entire experience and were surprised by how much fun they both had in the end.

Of course, we’re not suggesting you go from 0 to 50 Shades of Grey on your partner if you’re hesitant about what you might hear (or what you want to share). Starting this conversation can begin slowly. Simply by watching a sexy scene in a rated R movie, and afterward asking, “Did that shower scene turn you on?” you’re opening the gateway to a deeper sexual conversation down the line.

In many ways, sharing a sexual desire is the best gift you could give someone. Giving the person you trust the opportunity to please you in new and unique ways actually brings you two closer together – and has awesomely orgasmic side effects.

We invite you now to take a moment and journal about your sexual desires. What would you like to explore? What would it mean to you, if you shared this desire with your partner? And, if you’re open to a girlfriend’s encouragement, share what’s coming up for you in the comments section below. We’ve got you!

Prioritizing your pleasure,

Team O’a

#SexHacks: Finding your pleasure

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Intrigued Woman With Pencil And Folder

Bored of outdated tricks that remind you of a class from Junior High? Us too. Rolling a condom on a banana and having a frank conversation about “being ready” are standard operating procedures in the world of sex ed. But it seems like the way we are schooled (and even get schooled) about sex misses one huge point:

Pleasure. Specifically, your own.

Most of us weren’t encouraged to discover the full spectrum of our sexual nature. So today, we’re going to cover what your health teacher might have missed and look at exploring what sends delicious tingles through all the right parts of your mind and body.

Lesson One: Stop Shaming Yourself

Shedding years of society telling you it’s shameful or uncouth to think about your own sexual desires takes work.

Give yourself a few weeks to just think about sex. Your sex. Let your mind wander in erotic moments (either alone or with a partner) and practice not judging what you find in your imagination.

Whether it’s threesomes, being a domme, skinny dipping, standing up, the neighbors hearing, overhearing the neighbors or anything else in your head, the only rule is you can’t judge yourself. If a shaming voice pops into your head, thank it for stopping by, then bid it away. Then settle into your fantasy and let yourself feel all the fun tingles that come with.

Lesson Two: Look for Inspiration

You might not know what you like until you give new things a try. Except what if you don’t know what to even try out?

No problemo. While yes, we highly recommend checking out our very own Watch section, there’s no lack of stimulating content out in the world. (What are you hoping for us to add to our growing video library?)

With your shameful voice now on mute, start exploring the erotic section of your local book store, the walls of your local sex shop, or curl up at home and page through art that might open your mind to a new turn-on. And, there is always the friend-bank – we find that a bit of wine and a circle of trusted friends almost always leads to some shared stories that can inspire you to check out something new. Check in with yourself to see how each of these affects you, and which seem to get you going.

Lesson Three: Go at it Solo

Even if you have a regular sweet-someone whispering sweet-nothings in your ear, taking the time to rev up and release yourself is vital in learning what turns you on. It’s also a special opportunity to explore your physical self as well – getting more comfortable and adept at providing pleasure to yourself will not only come in handy when you are by yourself, it will enhance any sexual encounter you have.

Set aside time one or two days a week to work on yourself. Nothing crazy – 15 to 30 minutes a pop should do it. Seriously, that’s all it takes for a dramatically new shift in feelings of accelerated love for yourself.

Just like in Lesson One, let your mind wander at first. And eventually, incorporate something that piqued your interest in Lesson Two. And make some mental notes about what seems to really work – [every clitoris is unique,] little circles, up and down, side to side… the options are endless!

Lesson Four: Practice

Ugh, not like, piano scales or free-throws. Think of sexual exploration like a yoga or mindfulness practice. It’s something you’ll always work on, that will always being growing and changing, and that you do for yourself. It will give back pleasure in troves.

And while we believe it’s really important for everyone to do this for themselves (see last week’s blogpost!), of course, if you have one around – get your partner involved too! It’s a wonderful journey to embark on together and one that doesn’t ever have to stop. Keep the pleasure train charging forward!

Please share any hacks that you have discovered that work for you – we are excited to learn from our amazing community!

Prioritizing your pleasure,

Team O’a

Laughter WITH Sex is the Best Medicine

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Happy couple lying in bed together at home in the bedroom

Sometimes, sex feels like a serious business because of how much pressure we put on it. And it’s not just the act itself that gets a little diluted with anxious-excited feelings, but everything surrounding it, too.

How we look without clothes on (glowingly gorgeous! We promise!), what music might be helping us lose ourselves in the moment (might we suggest one of the Making Out playlists on Songza?) and if the kids (or roommates) are safely tucked away for the moment all lead us to one collective thought:

We want this experience to be perfect.

Which makes sense. We put time and energy and anxious-excited feelings into all of this. Why wouldn’t we hope for perfection?

Alas, we have a kind of wonderful secret to share with you:

Sex is an imperfect business.

First, let’s imagine a scenario where something goes “wrong” during sex. Maybe you’re in the ecstatic throes of a mind-losing moment, when suddenly you hear something: it’s that peculiar sound that chest-to-chest contact can make, which sounds eerily like what my mother would have called a toot. And who can claim to be immune from that super feminine sound that only women can produce… the queef, which Wikipedia has so endearingly termed “vaginal flatulence” – hottt. Or even, as one Team O’a member has personally experienced, tripping over one’s own clothes in the midst of a sexy striptease.

Let’s be real. These moments can be hard to ignore. And they can also make one – or both – parties flush not with orgasmic fever, but embarrassment.

When an awkward moment enters the bed with you, there are a few ways to deal with it:

  • Freaking out…. Frankly, having a humiliation meltdown does no one any good – and is a definite mood killer.

We think maintaining a sense of humor is vital to great sex.

When something whacky happens, like the bed breaking or your neighbor or roommate banging on the wall to quiet you down, laughing not only lightens the mood, but creates a stronger bond between you and your partner as you share in the experience. Plus, laughter increases production of endorphins, which will just add to the “feel good” effect of the whole sexual encounter. Better still, laughing once means it’s easier to laugh again (and again), breaking down those serious business and perfection feelings that come with sex so that you can feel more emboldened, confident and happy instead of letting insecurity rear its ugly head.

We love that with imperfection comes joy – and we hope you do, too.

Prioritizing your pleasure,

Team O’a

Stop Apologizing and Come First

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Being a hostess comes naturally to us here at Team O’a – probably at least in part because we are women. We don’t just mean “hostess” in the “let me get you a drink because I invited you to this party” way (though some of us can make a killer Manhattan). We also instinctively want to make sure people are cared for. All people. All the time.

Women, it seems, are practically born with a soul meant to put others first. Gina Barreca describes our caring tendencies quite well:

“She will offer patience, understanding, acceptance, generosity, compassion and forgiveness to everyone except herself. When the little voice inside her speaks up, it’s abrasive, cruel and dismissive. She would never say that kind of thing even to an enemy, but she’s accustomed to hearing it from herself.”

Part of our lackluster commitment to putting ourselves first may also stem from the fact that we are rarely offered a high-five when we do.

Putting others first isn’t just relegated to the public sphere. It follows us to the bedroom, too.

Here’s the rub though: prioritizing ourselves is actually good for us.

Which makes us think it’s time for some serious re-writing of our souls.

Are you already freaking out a little at that idea? Us too.

See, as a member of the Western female species, we were practically born to apologize. Bump into the heater? There’s a sorry. Clank a glass while washing the dishes? Sorry again (not sure if that’s to the glass or whoever witnessed the non-event). On some days a bad hair day is enough to make us want to beg your – and everyone else’s – pardon. (We know we are not the only ones with this proclivity.)

And putting ourselves first – even (or especially) coming first with a partner! – sounds quite a lot like something we’d want to apologize for again and again.

Which, when you really think about it, is ludicrous.

So how do we do this re-writing, and stop feeling badly about it?

Sadly, there’s no magical pill that will ameliorate our ability to prioritize ourselves. Coming first gracefully takes practice, and it will probably look different for all of us.

But we do have some ideas as to the how.

Ask yourself, “What would my best friend want for me?”

We firmly believe in role models and mentors. And best friends are just the ticket here. Whenever we find ourselves starting to wonder, “Should I cook my favorite meal or something I think someone else will like?” or “Is it okay if he goes down on me and I don’t return the favor?” We immediately follow it up with “Well, what would my best friend say?”

Best friends, as it turns out, want the best for you. Our BFFs would tell us to lay back and enjoy – that sex isn’t a zero sum game and we all deserve some pleasure. And she’d say it because we do deserve it.

Think a little bit like a man.

Oof, we hate to say it quite like that, but there’s some truth to it. Laura Argintar says it really well: “To be feminine is to be small and contained. By contrast, to exude masculinity is to recline or spread out to assert power. It’s time we learn to create space for ourselves and weave an outwardly growing web. We are owners of the street, of our bodies, of our space.” When we’re okay with taking up space, we’re more okay with our existence, and thus our happiness. Whatever gets you to that mindset, while still being you, is worth giving a go!

Meditate.

Don’t let that word scare you. Meditation is all about focusing inward on yourself. Close your eyes, and check in with your body, your heart, and your mind. You can do this for just a minute, or for longer periods of time (try calm.com for free, simple, guided meditations). By meditating, you’re actually practicing putting yourself first – because meditating is all about you.

However we make it happen, we have to embrace the idea that we are worth coming first.

Women learn from one another. In fact, we’re inspired by one another. And just as negative female behaviors can be passed down through generations and across social circles, so too will positive, self-loving, non-apologetic self-care.

Imagine the power of simply sharing self-love. Buy yourself flowers, post a photo of them on Instagram. When someone asks “Who gave those to you?” you get to reply, “Me!” And even better than that, you just showed your friend that it’s okay to come first.

Soon, that feeling can trickle down through the rest of our lives – including between the sheets (Or on the kitchen floor. Or on a picnic blanket under the stars. Or… Yeah – we could go on and on. You get the picture. COME FIRST!).

Prioritizing your pleasure,

Team O’a

Is your routine hurting or helping your sex life?

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Daily Routine

It’s easy to get defensive when we hear the adage, Routines actually reflect your priorities. After all, we’re busy. Super busy. Mega busy. So routines help us accomplish tasks that feel mandatory. That’s just the way it is. Right?

I’ve totally been there.

But routines can get in the way of something that can be just as nourishing and valuable as all those errands: pleasure!

Being me, I didn’t believe this was the way it had to be. I got curious about people who have altered their routine to prioritize pleasure and orgasms, and just how they made it happen.

So today, I bring you a few stories from our community that highlight the power of simple shifts in your routine.

Meet Cate, who changed everything with lunch.

Cate and I became friends at a dinner party last year. After sharing the best story I’ve ever heard about visiting The Great Wall in China (side note: hope she’ll write about that steamy rendezvous for the site!), another friend, Sydney, chimed in:

“I would love to have sex. I just don’t have that much time.”

The implication that Cate was somehow less busy than the rest of us didn’t sit well with me. And though I felt protective of Cate, I also sympathized with Sydney: feeling like there isn’t enough time for sex and pleasure is certainly relatable, if not universal.

While I was pondering the societal elements at play, Cate chimed in. “Oh, I totally get that,” she said. “I was in such a rut with my husband. Then we figured out that it all really had to do with lunch.”

Lunch?!

Cate explained that a few months prior, she and her husband acknowledged to each other that they were both frustrated – and a bit dismayed – that their once thriving sex life was in gutter city.

So they did a scan of their average day, and had a very relatable routine: rushing out the door to make early morning commitments (hello, fitness boot camp), going through the day in back to back meetings, trying to get work done, then returning home late – and famished. With such ravenous hunger levels, they prepared the quickest meals which were then devoured without much thought or appreciation.

Voracious eating that often feels great in a moment of low blood sugar and a growling stomach doesn’t often set us up for alert, sexy time later in the evening. A food coma would set in on the couch, they’d go straight to bed, and then the next morning…

However, Cate and her husband chose not to believe that this was simply the routine of responsible and ambitious people.

Instead they wondered if and how they could make a doable adjustment to it that allowed for a re-vamp of their sex lives.

By scanning their day from start to finish, they noticed nutrition was lacking. Breakfast or lunch were being skipped (sometimes both), and thus when they came home their bodies were hungry for food – not each other.

“Now, we have sex most nights before dinner,” Cate finished.

How awesome is that? Like the most wonderful solutions, it’s just so incredibly simple.

Inspired, Sydney was able to find her routine-break, too.

I was impressed with Cate’s initiative and orgasm success, but Sydney seemed dismayed.

“My partner and I don’t have time to lunch. Besides, we get home hours after the kids and I already have had dinner.” She kept trying to convince us her situation was uniquely unsuited to incorporating more sex.

And while I sympathized with her – routines are routines because they’re comfortable and hard to break – I still felt we could find a way to get Sydney the pleasure she clearly wanted but felt unable to make time for. That’s what friends (and blogs) are for!

After more talking, we found Sydney’s proverbial lunch: a baby-sitter.

Sydney’s routine involved child-care on the weekdays – she felt “shouldn’t” have a baby-sitter on weekends because that “should” be family time. Once she realized she was should-ing all over herself, she was able to change her routine. By switching to having child-care some weekends instead, when she and her partner weren’t working, they were able to enjoy alone time.

Changing a routine is not easy – it often requires changing your thinking. But I think Stephen Covey said it quite nicely:

“The key is not to prioritize what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.”

So tell us, is your routine a representation of your priorities? Are you stuck and convinced there isn’t a solution? Have you had a brilliant “aha” moment (like Cate’s “lunch is the answer!”)? We’d love to hear from you!Drop us a comment, email, or if you can say it in 140 characters or less, shoot us a message on Twitter!

Kit and Team O’a xx

Celebrating my 3rd year anniversary… with myself

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My beloved Vespa who scooted me all over London and my current little red truck that enabled my nomadic O’actually adventure.

My beloved Vespa who scooted me all over London and my current little red truck that enabled my nomadic O’actually adventure.

 

Dear O’actually community,

Historically, this is an important week for O’actually and me. On a Friday afternoon, precisely three years ago I resigned from my stable job to start what is now O’actually (at the time, it didn’t even have a name!)

Below is the story, lessons learned, and how they relate to your orgasmic pleasure.

A little less than three and a half years ago, I was working late and took a fateful Facebook break…

At that point, I had been feeling for a few months that it was time for me to re-engage with my passion to make the world a better place for women. It had been nearly five years since getting my Masters in Gender and Social Policy, yet I had done very little work to directly engage with gender issues since graduating. It felt like the “break” I had taken from that work was coming to a close.

But I kept coming up against two major blocks: 1) not wanting to spend all day every day engaging with all that is wrong with the world and 2) that I had a great job at a growing company and worked with people I admired.

… Then on Facebook I saw an article about women getting behind the camera and making arousing content for women.  I didn’t quite know how, but I instantly knew that I wanted to be a part of it.  That was the earliest moment of realizing that it wasn’t that I was burnt out on working towards gender equity, it was that I was burnt out on the way I was going about doing it.  I was confident in my bet that if I focused on pleasure all day every day that a burn out was much less likely.  That was the first moment of  “What if I created something grounded in women’s sexual pleasure?!”

Roughly four months later, and precisely three years ago, on a Friday afternoon I addressed the second block: resigning from a good job at a great company with excellent people. Who does that?

I remember that conversation – three years ago now – like it was last week. I told my boss the truth: his entrepreneurial spirit and success had inspired me to go out and do my own thing. He was thoughtfully disappointed but wonderfully understanding. He did however want to know, “What, Kit, are you leaving us to do?” I can still hear that question presented in his voice as clearly as if he’d just asked it. Probably because he is must have asked it half a dozen times! But I was too unclear and too confused around how to present my nameless endeavor to enter the world of adult entertainment to mention it.

I promised him that I would of course eventually tell him. I told him that it was an early stage idea and I needed time to figure out how to articulate it. I repeated that I’d be working outside, way outside!, the beverage industry that we were in. I got the sense that he didn’t believe me, but I took solace in knowing that was certainly true.

I thanked him for a great experience and hung up the phone both relieved and terrified but mostly excited. Relieved that the action of resigning was behind me, terrified that now I had to go out and start a company – in adult entertainment no less!, and excited to go to lunch.

My ever supportive mother, who is also of my most trusted business advisors, had come down from Boston to New York to take me out to celebrate. I suspect she also knew that I did indeed want to resign that day but could easily chicken out and postpone it another week. Her being there to take me out to celebrate insured I’d face my decision.

So she and I walked over to Danny Meyer’s Union Square Café. We choose the spot because it is where we had lunched to celebrate my transfer from London to NYC on the day I signed my West Village lease. Seemed like a fitting bookend of a great journey. Plus, Danny’s book, Setting the Table, continues to have a massive impact on my life. (Regardless of the industry you’re in, I highly recommend reading it to learn more about putting your team first and making connections everywhere.)

If you haven’t been, Union Square Café is a rather large restaurant with three different dining areas. Before talking to my boss, I had told one – ONE! – person in the beverage industry that I was considering leaving it. She was of the first people I met when I moved to NYC and became an instant and lasting friend. Out of total randomness, the waitress walked my mother and I to an area of the restaurant we’d never seen and sat us down right next to this very friend. She was in the middle of a business lunch but I whispered, “I did it!” Champagne emerged instantly. It was just the sign I needed to remember that I was leaving an industry and not the people in it. I was already off to a great start and supported by the people who mean the most to me: my amazing family and remarkable friends.

A re-cap from that day to today:

–     Went from being worried about how to answer, “What do you do?” to having it be my favorite question.

–     Met wonderful potential partners who for one reason or the other just weren’t the right fit, to finding and working with my dream co-founder.

–     Went from not knowing other female entrepreneurs to being surrounded and inspired by them on a daily basis.

–     Went from having never raised money to securing a first round of angel financing.

–     Turned an idea into a business.

How does this relate to O’actually’s mission of celebrating women’s sexual pleasure?!

In three years I have learned more about business, myself, and life than ever I could have imagined. Amazingly and wonderfully my key business and life takeaways from these first years apply remarkably well to bedroom sauciness too.

Comparison creates complication.

When I look to how other businesses have flourished as a way to help me expand the impact of O’actually, I am inspired. When I look to them to compare them to O’actually in a better/worse paradigm, then I am deflated. O’actually is unique. That means we have our unique strengths and challenges and opportunity. Owning our uniqueness has always lead to our greatest achievements. Same goes for you, your body, your pleasure, your fantasies.

Sometimes things take longer than you think they should, and that’s a GOOD thing.

Truthfully, three years ago I thought I could get to where we are now in six months. I am now thankful for the time. It allowed me the space to create a team and a momentum that is right for us now. Take your time, enjoy!

What feels good to you might, at first, be impossible for others to understand

I love when people forget their skepticism of me deciding to resign to start an adult site. Their selective memory means that they’ve already gone from fearful to supportive.  I’m also thankful that I was able to trust that resigning felt good to me. Without knowing it at the time, acting on the decision to start O’actually was the embodiment of #LoveWhatFeelsGood.

Don’t let inexperience hold you back

I often say that I had just the right amount of experience to think I could leave my job and create O’actually: almost none. The “almost” refers to having the passion and vision. The “none” refers to just about everything else. When the drive is there, explore it.

When you’re convinced you must be the only one, you ARE not alone

Three years in and I can see that lots of us want to celebrate women’s sexual pleasure through sexually stimulating creative work. However, not too long ago, that was a big unknown. Trust that even what you may think are “out there” desires are validated by others.

You don’t always need to tell everyone, everything, right away, but trust the people who you trust love you

Three years ago, I was too vulnerable to speak about my dream of O’actually to most people. I knew that I’d take critique personally and was likely to be defensive. So I eased into it and shared and asked for guidance from the individuals whom love I trusted. That’s not to say that those people were necessarily supportive from the get go. However, I knew I would feel safe and appreciative of their guidance. Danielle LaPorte summarizes this better than I can in her piece, “Open, gentle heart. Big fucking fence” http://www.daniellelaporte.com/advice-on-love. The gist: balance vulnerability and comfort.

Continue to explore, question stable

There was nothing wrong with my current job. In fact, there was a lot of GREAT there. However, embracing the fun that often comes from shaking things up applies to all areas of life.

When something is off, something is off – no need to concern yourself about the why

Go experience the thing you want to experience. Doing so says nothing negative about past, present, or future.

Things change, often for the better

If change is a constant, might as well get on board with change and make it work for you. Change still scares me. A lot. It’s also led to the most exciting and fulfilling moments of my life.

Happy birthday to my most impactful day of change to date! Raise a glass with me, let me know how change in your life has lead to your pleasure, and Team O’a is sending you wishes of wonderful weekends!

Kitter xx

 

Shame-Free Fantasy Zone

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Let your mind wander without judgment!

Alone, you can let your mind wander anywhere, to any saucy scenario you choose. But have you ever had a fantasy that you would be ashamed to say out loud, even to your most non-judgmental friend?

Adultery is wrong, rape is despicable, and sexual slavery is beyond utterly loathsome – these are all issues that plague our society. Thus, it’s common to feel that sexual coercion, kidnappings, and images of events that tap into a woman’s worst nightmare shouldn’t be hot. Yet such situations pop up in adult content geared toward women regularly – and studies show many women experience sexual arousal when reading, hearing, or seeing those scenes in a fantasy world. Thoughts about bondage, submission, three-ways, and even rape creep up into sexually arousing fantasies, and we can’t help wonder why!

Science helps explain.

In a blatant oversimplification (women are intricate beings after all), it can be incredibly arousing, particularly for women, to feel utterly irresistible to someone else. Even back in the 18th Century, Madame de “Staël (1766-1817) put it quite succinctly, albeit reflecting the hetero-normative culture of the era – “The desire of the man is for the woman, but the desire of the woman is for the desire of the man.”

Fantasizing allows women to play out the idea of being a victim of uncontrollable sexual desire, while remaining in control – even though we may daydream about being powerless and how that would feel, we’re not. Women typically fantasize about good-looking men, often in a position of social power or prestige, an embodiment of a person we’d want to have sex with, as opposed to actual deviants. And often in fantasies and erotica, women actually conquer the original offender, whose original overpowering sexual obsession with the “victim” transforms into a titillating combination of love, lust and respect.

A woman being turned on by fictional settings does not mean she finds them to be arousing in her mental consciousness. Physical arousal and mental arousal are separate feelings. That’s just biology.

So we have a suggestion for women who are nodding along to this post, thinking, “That’s me!” It’s this:

Stop shaming yourself.

Stop judging yourself. Stop feeling guilty when you have alone time. And stop letting society dictate what can and can’t get you off. Your conscience should be clear – you are not condoning the practices anymore than viewers of horror movies are rooting on brutal murders in reality.

Enjoy the good feelings without thinking something must be wrong with you. These are fictional fantasies, not an invitation or desire to bring those scenarios to reality for you, or anyone else (unless you want to act them out with a 100% consensual lover – but that’s another post).

Prioritizing your Pleasure,

Team O’a

A Case for Pleasure

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Kit in Bath

A mentor once told me, “What you focus on is what you create.” Sayings like this often take time – months or even years – to stick and ring true. However, this particular phase quickly landed with me and catapulted my life from one stage to the next.

Such simplicity, such sense, and an explosion of truth led to a realization: I have been living my life all wrong. All. Freaking. Wrong.

I’d been focused on all the things I didn’t want. Whether it was being angry with myself for being late, or very harsh with myself for carrying extra pounds, or much more serious matters like human suffering, I was living in a land of laser beam attention on fixing the bad in me and the world. It was then time to enjoy, celebrate, and focus on the good. After all, I was punctual more than I was tardy, my body could still carry me over a marathon finish line, and there is a lot of love and joy and pleasure in this world. A lot. In the spirit of this new line of thinking, I asked:

What if I focused on what I do want?

And what I really wanted, for myself and everyone else, was – and is – pleasure.

As a woman, when I think about breaking down the concept of pleasure to its truest form – satisfaction, gratification, and enjoyment – it’s synonymous with orgasm. Therefore when we celebrate, champion and prioritize female sexual pleasure and orgasms we collectively create a more vibrant existence.

Our orgasms are each born from a particular context and are wildly unique. How we get to them is equally beautiful and diverse. Sometimes it’s from the physical and or emotional connection with another person. Other times orgasms are stimulated from sensory visual or written work; often it’s from memories of the past or fantasies for the future.

Sometimes the orgasm isn’t even in the orgasm. Sometimes it’s in the experience itself – whether it’s with your body, with a partner’s body, or an engagement in life that makes you feel more alive.

Our focus on pleasure, more specifically women’s sexual pleasure, created O’actually. We are feverishly committed to your orgasms in every aspect of everything we do. It’s because we believe that appreciating, allowing, and celebrating orgasms will create a more vibrant, creative, and more fulfilled world.

Goodbye to the days immersed in anger, sadness and frustration. Hello to O’actually and days spent with that laser beam focus now on fun, play, and orgasms! Pleasure is where it’s at, and I, together with Team O’a, are focused on pleasure all day, everyday. And oh my word, there is nothing more pleasing than focusing on yours, mine, and the world’s pleasure! In response to our Pleasure Pledge (link), one woman offered the ultimate compliment “Kit, you have some seriously good karma coming your way!”

So, tell me, how can I help you further access, experience, and appreciate your orgasm? Don’t be shy; after all, it’s a matter of healing the world…

Prioritizing pleasure,

Kit and Team O’a xx