Sexual Fitness

For the Love of Lube

December 2, 2015 by Vigdis Leave a Comment

Raise your hand if you’ve ever felt embarrassed, squeamish, or just plain puzzled by lube.

There’s a good reason many of us have some apprehension about lubrication. Though it’s totally popular to say “Lube is great and you should use it!” there’s no user-manual involved, no norms established, and certainly lube is never featured in romantic comedies. In fact, the way we learn about lube is either through an introduction from an in-the-know partner, or from a deep discussion with our girlfriends (preferably over a mimosa brunch!).

So get your toast buttered and jammed, your eggs cooked to your version of perfection, and a side of blueberries ready to go, because today is the unofficial Lube Information and Celebration Day here at O’actually!

First, a primer in why lube rocks:

Lube increases pleasure.

Although we just want to mic drop right there, we’ll go a little deeper.

You know no matter how hydrated you are, you can still give yourself an abrasion by pinching your own arm? It has to do with a low level of moisture and friction coming together for a period of time. And thus, like a squeaky hinge, fingers and genitals are skin perform their best when helped by a little grease.

According to doctors interviewed at Refinery 29:

…the practical purpose of lubricant during sex is that it decreases discomfort and chance of injury. When dry body surfaces are rubbed together, the skin can break — and, broken skin increases the risk of sexually transmitted infections. Lube can help prevent that breakage (though it’s definitely not a substitute for a condom). Plus, she says, “It increases the sensation of pleasure, and makes penetration or external stimulation much easier.”

Okay, onto the good stuff…like how to use lube and not feel ridiculous:

Spoiler alert: like trying anything new in bed, you’re probably going to feel a little bumbly when you first use lube.

Take it from one member of Team O’a who recently had her lube-cherry popped: laughter is key! “Actually, perhaps the most important thing I did was tell my partner it was my first time with lube. He was shocked, but proceeded to guide me through how much to use (apparently it’s hard to use too much) – and by the amount of giggling involved, I’d say a lot of fun was had.”

What to expect when you’re lubing.

Viscous to the touch, lube is actually like mega-slippery body wash. You should think about your lube selection somewhat carefully – we go for ones that don’t leave residue, don’t leave your fingers super sticky and won’t stain. You should also consider the differences between water based and silicone-based lubes. Water-based lubes are safe to use with all toys and contraceptive measures like condoms, diaphragms and the like. Silicone-based lubes can have reactions with silicone sex toys, so you might want to avoid that silicone-on-silicone action if your favorite toys are made from silicone. However, silicone-based lubes last longer than water-based ones and are are totally fine to use with latex condoms and sex toys not made of silicone. .

Excellent places to put lube include all areas of the penis and vulva (though we’re sure you can find other body parts that might be nice).

Is using lube cheating?

Absolutely not. So much goes into female arousal – like how you’re feeling that day, how you feel about your partner, hormone levels. Heck, sometimes it seems like even if Mercury is in retrograde is at play). Lube isn’t just because a woman isn’t “wet.” Remember that dry skin scenario mentioned above? It takes two pieces of dry skin to create that.

You’re ready to dive in – but when should you?

There’s no wrong time to use lube, but there are a few times we highly recommend it:

In order to be comfortable.

There are different sizes of anatomy that feel good to each person. If your partner is a tad bigger (but not painfully so) lube can help during sex – though we suggest prolonged foreplay for this, too.

In order to heighten your pleasure.

The reason people love lube is it tends to increase sensitivity and makes sex feel even more fantastic. Each place you put a dollop (anywhere from the size of the head of a dime or more) tends to get a little more slippery.

In order to get down with anal.

Whether this is a go-to on your sexual menu or something you’re dabbling in, if we could only give you one piece of advice it would be use lube. Lots and lots of lube…. and then some more lube.

Uberlube: it’s our favorite!

There are lots of lubes out there, and while Team O’a doesn’t agree on everything sex related, we have come to a consensus on our favorite lubrication: Uberlube. (Even their website homepage is hot!) Uberlube is silicone-based however, so if your particular needs require a water based lubricant (i.e. you have other sex enhancers made of silicone – check out KY Ultra or Liquid Silk.

For our final thought on the topic of lube, it’s possible JoEllen Notte said it best: “Sex without lube is like a Slip n’ Slide without water.”

Ladies, if you have lube experiences to share, or just want to talk lube shop, come chat us up on Facebook! And of course, you’re always to donate to our Indiegogo campaign if you’re not feeling chatty.

Commitment is Not the Death of New, Exciting Sex

November 27, 2015 by Vigdis Leave a Comment

Being on Team O’a has lots of perks (including learning about the latest developments in female pleasure) but one of the best is the all-access pass to having a conversation with your lady friends about sex. Working here sometimes feels like a slumber-party after the witching hour, when filters have fallen away and we feel safe enough to talk deeply about naked-time fun that isn’t part of a usual happy-hour conversation.

And we wish you could be here too! We know not everyone has this experience at work (or even during normal fuzzy-slipper-wearing-hours) so when a member of the community reaches out with a thought, question, or comment, we love to help suss out what’s what.

The topic today is from one of those email conversations that starts innocuously, with a community member we’ll call Saffron, who wrote to chat about her thoughts regarding one of our recent posts.

Here’s Saff:

I wish they’d teach [about variety] in sex-ed. When every piece of media says sex is supposed to work one way (not to mention Freud’s 2 cents on the subject), it’s nothing short of debilitating. And, it got me thinking that we have such a limited scope of experiences to compare with and learn from. It’s frustrating. Like, you can’t “learn” a lot from watching porn – it’s a fantasy. And there are a million books on how to get better at sex, but half of them are bunk and I wouldn’t even know how to begin sorting through the other half. I just don’t know how monogamous couples are supposed to be able to improve their sex lives.

Saying I should ask for what I want is like taking me out to a restaurant blindfolded, handing me a menu, and not even telling me what the place serves. All I can say is “well, I know I like mac n’ cheese, do you have that?” And that gets me lots of mac n’ cheese, which I like, but I might never know there’s foie gras profiteroles. And even if I did know there was foie gras profiteroles, because I saw them on a website, I sure as hell wouldn’t know how to tell the kitchen how to make them.

This is what life is like when you’ve had 1 sexual partner in the last 10 years. It’s the blind leading the blind. Well, poorly-sighted at least. You put two inexperienced people together, then have them mate for life, and then expect them to figure out how to be sexgods? Yeah right!

The good news, Saffron and any other long-term-monogamous-relationshippers out there, is this:

You can absolutely discover how to prepare and order “foie gras profiteroles” if you (and your partner) are willing to put in some work, and are okay with more than a little bit of fumbling, awkwardness, and earning participation awards rather than gold medals right off the bat – because truth be told, you’re going to have to practice. Here’s how:

Be curious.

Think back to a time in your life when you weren’t sure what you wanted – or even what you didn’t want (maybe choosing a major in college, or a career path). What did you do? Well, you explored your options, gave anything appealing a try, and checking in with yourself after to see how you felt about it.

And the same can be true for finding what interests you in bed.

So go ahead! Crack open erotic literature – even some that you don’t even think you’ll like or haven’t tried (we’re presently obsessed with Rachel Kramer Bussel and you can get her anthologies discounted through our Indiegogo campaign by selecting the perk “all tied up” perk. Watch some saucy adult films (a few of our favorites here) not with the sole intention of getting off, but like a scientist tinkering in a lab would (the experiment, of course, being what you might want to try). As you take all this content in, ask yourself, “Does that seem like fun?”

Consider working with a sexpert – there are some seriously amazing sex coaches out there these days! Kit’s interviewed many of our favorites, including Layla Martin, Ashley Apple, and Psalm Isadora for the Pleasure with O’actually podcast. (And you can get a wild discount of 25% OFF Layla’s EPIC LOVER Course through the Indiegogo campaign and Ashley’s amazing videos are all donation based!)

Field trip destination: a comprehensive, pleasure focused, adult store.

Grab your beloved’s hand, skip the novelty adult store and check out somewhere like SheBop, Good Vibrations, or Babeland, While you’ll be tempted to giggle together, again, approach this field trip with the same curiosity as you do reading and watching erotica – with the mindset of “Could we find a way to use this together?” With your research before, you probably have some ideas now.

Take notes – and make a list.

As you read, watch, and learn, take notes. Seriously, grab a pen and paper (or screen and stylus) and jot down anything that piques your sexual curiosity as you explore. Maybe it’s fan-fic vampire erotica, maybe it’s a remote controlled vibrator for date night, maybe it’s wanting to make out to NPR (true story, one O’a team member loves this – nothing like learning and getting off at the same time!).

As you review this list, you can start to make connections as to what you’re interested in – it might not be exactly what is listed, so look for broader themes. To use the examples above, enjoying vampire fan-fic erotica translates well to role playing in bed; a remote controlled vibrator suggests one of you likes being in control while the other likes being surprised (hello, exploring BDSM!); and yes, even NPR can be related to simply knowing you like having your mind stimulated while fooling around (another member of Team O’a is slightly obsessed with dirty-game night – like taking all the Jenga pieces, writing naughty to-dos on them, and then building the tower).

A few notes from the tried and true.

Our resident Team O’a long-term relationshipper said she and her manfriend like mixing up locations. Sometimes the bed you’ve been sleeping in for years isn’t really a bastion of creativity for sex – but going to a hotel, a weekend away, or your backyard can change your mindset.

Now the harder part: trying it all out!

It’s one thing to explore and say “Yes, I like that!” It’s a lot like furniture shopping. You might know you love the picture of that mid-century modern bookshelf – heck, you might even love it in person and know the dimensions are just right. But sometimes you take a piece home, place it where you imagined it going, and think “Ooooooooo. No.” And it can be disappointing – there was so much build up and anticipated joy. So you might have to move it around the room, try other places, or even just let it sit and see if you start to enjoy it.

Okay, extended metaphor aside, what we’re trying to say is that it’s not easy to discover what you like. There will be some trying and practice required – but if you go into the discovery with an open mind, a willingness to laugh, and accepting you might not like it now but think about it later or even like it ever, then you’ll be on the right track.

Remember: this isn’t a competition, or in the end, even about anyone else. It’s just about you and your partner, and experiencing pleasure together.

Finally, have an open commitment to sex.

When lives are busy with the day to day grueling schedule of kids, work, household chores, dog walking, social obligations, and yard-work, sex can feel like an unnecessary waste of time. But it’s not, and it can often go a long way into maintaining an intimacy and sense of fun in your relationship that lets you escape that mundacity for a while.

Having an open commitment to sex means you work to not let it feel like a chore, but do process how important it is to the intimacy and health of your relationship (as well as your own personal well being!). Even when you might not necessarily be completely jonesing for it at the beginning, it probably won’t take long for you to be having a blast (and if ten minutes in you’re not, then it’s a-okay to stop. This is about your pleasure).

Saffron, we know this sounds a teeny bit like work – and that’s because it does require effort and yes, sifting through some of those sex books (our faves are The Guide to Getting it On and She Comes First). But know that this is the sort of work even long-term single folk go through: exploration, trying, and laughing. And ideally, this discovery process is actually pretty FUN.

Readers, do you have any other advice or tips? We’d love to hear them in the comments – it’s for the benefit of the community!

Celebrate Everything (Yes Everything) That Makes You

October 15, 2015 by Vigdis 3 Comments

Incredible women are not hard to find. Look left and there’s a single-mom single-handedly running her own business that pays the bills and buys her kids rainboots. Look right and there’s an oncological diagnostician bringing both empathy and ferocious science to her patients (and she does applique on the side!).

But for every moment we recognize the strengths in women around us, we’re tested: will we measure our failures against their successes? And frustratingly, the truth is, so often, we will.

Which is where one of our favorite thinkers on the topic of women and life, Liz Gilbert, comes in.

Can we draft a joint resolution to drop the crazy-making expectation that we must all be perfect friends and perfect mothers and perfect workers and perfect lovers with perfect bodies who dedicate ourselves to charity and grow our own organic vegetables, at the same time that we run corporations and stand on our heads while playing the guitar with our feet?

No, seriously — please.

Because it breaks my heart to know that so many amazing women are waking up at 3 o’clock in the morning and abusing themselves for not having gone to art school, or for not having learned to speak French, or for not having organized the neighborhood scavenger hunt. I fear that — if we continue this mad quest for perfection — we will all end up as stressed-out and jumpy as those stray cats who live in dumpsters behind Chinese restaurants, forever scavenging for scraps of survival while pulling out their own hair in hypervigilant anxiety.

For every moment you’re comparing yourself to someone, there’s another woman out there comparing herself to you. And the expectation that we place on ourselves to be perfect isn’t just crazy-making – it’s wrong.

We will all fail at some things. We will not always live up to what we believe we are capable of. And two good things will come of this. First, we’ll learn that we can stand up again, that we are not bad. And second, we’ll learn about ourselves: what we want, what we love, what our boundaries are, and how to take care of ourselves in the best way possible.

Admittedly, Liz Gilbert has influenced our way of thinking. She says:

Let’s just anticipate that we (all of us) will disappoint ourselves somehow. Go ahead and let it happen. Let somebody else be a better mother than you for one afternoon. Let somebody else go to art school. Let somebody else have a happy marriage, while you foolishly pick the wrong guy. (Hell, I’ve done it; it’s survivable.) While you’re at it, take the wrong job. Move to the wrong city. Lose your temper in front of the boss, quit training for that marathon, wolf down a truckload of cupcakes the day after you start your diet. Blow it all catastrophically, in fact, and then start over with good cheer. This is what we all must learn to do, for this is how maps get charted — by taking wrong turns that lead to surprising passageways that open into spectacularly unexpected new worlds. So just march on. Future generations will thank you — trust me — for showing the way, for beating brave new footpaths out of wonky old mistakes.

Fall flat on your face if you must, but please, for the sake of us all, do not stop.

We love this idea – that the more we not only accept our failures, but own them and embrace them, the more we are not only finding our groove, but making it possible for all women, in the present and in the future, to do the same.

There’s something to be said for the idea of failing spectacularly in your own mind, it may actually open the gateway for more love, self-love, and pleasure (our favorite!). When we accept ourselves as we are, imperfectly perfect, we are making room not for more failure, but for more success.

Dear ladies, let’s celebrate everything that makes us awesome. Share one thing (at least!) in the comments that speaks to your personal awesomeness. We’ll start.

The Best 2 Minute Cunninglingus Class, Ever

October 8, 2015 by Vigdis Leave a Comment

There are men in this world who make us laugh until our bellies hurt with their ridiculous yet honest truth telling, then they make us desperate to share the videos they make accompanied by a *high-five* emoji. Some of those men are Key and Peele, whose show we already miss dearly. (Warning: NSFW sound bites so put your headphones in right now. Trust us, this shouldn’t wait).

Gratuitous use of the word bitch aside (we’re going to look to Murray in Clueless to justify that), this sketch gets to the heart where men often go a little wrong when going down on a lady. A few of our favorite tips:

Ya’ll need to go chill on the cliterous. Go around that business. It’s like a button made of a million penis tops.

Make the alphabet with your tongue, and when she grabs your hair like she’s going to pull your damn head off, STICK WITH THAT LETTER.

Plan your breathing like you’re swimming. (Such a good reminder for men and women going down on someone.)

Of course, we think the most important point Key and Peele make in this two minute instructional video is this:

Ask her what she wants, then DO WHAT SHE SAYS.

This advice holds true for the majority of sexual encounters. Giving your partner the opportunity to speak up should be the golden rule for getting into bed with someone.

And as of today (!!!) you can support some more truth talking and erotic education – with a more feminine touch, by supporting our Indiegogo campaign

As an added bonus, we can’t help but share another goodie from Key and Peele. Though we celebrate the beauty and power that comes from monthly periods, it’s a good reminder to all to “be sensitive to that shit” and chocolate, never underestimate the power of chocolate…

We discovered the best orgasm blog ever. You’re welcome.

September 21, 2015 by Vigdis 1 Comment

Part voyeuristic diary, part owners-manual, sometimes raw, sometimes hawt, always real: How to Make Me Come is a blog in which women anonymously share essays about their trials, tribulations, and triumphs in orgasms. It’s addictive as heck to read (not to mention liberatingly empowering) and should you choose to go there now, we’d dance your way to the link.

What we love about this anonymously curated blog is twofold.

First, we love that it’s giving women a place to speak their truth. Anytime there is an outlet for voices outside the cultural norm to be heard, we salute that effort.

In a small way, we wish this wasn’t anonymous. We hate that anonymity with female sexuality is more the norm than not, particularly if it stems from fear of totally undeserved shaming if a person identified herself. But we do have to face our current reality and take some baby steps. So we appreciated seeing the way the (anonymous) founder likes to keep names off the blog. Anonymity, she she tells The Cut, makes it “easier to see that a woman is a woman is a woman.”

And that’s awesome. Women are unique in every imaginable way. But we’re bonded together in simply and beautifully being women. Which made us think: rather than compare ladies, why not see their similarities?

We had a little fun with this exercise: scroll down, and you’ll see images of women

On the outside, they don’t have a lot in common. So let’s think about within. We can never know everyone’s story. But when we thought about how each woman starts her day the same: by coming into consciousness after sleep; how each has a routine – even if that routine is not routine – and how while there are more differences than we can count, there are also more similarities. What we each live through, what we hear, and what we feel aren’t far apart. Taking a moment to do this really made us feel what the How to Make Me Come blog editor is driving at.

The second reason we love this blog is another response she gave to The Cut. She says: “I almost feel like this blog might mystify the female orgasm even further — it’s showing that there are a million possible answers to the same question.” And oh, heck yes. Though we share quite a bit as women, that isn’t to say there’s not a huge spectrum when it comes to what we like sexually and how we get off. We love that this blog is furthering the idea that not all orgasms are created equal, and that’s okay, because all are worth working for.

PSST!!! Can’t stop reading and learning? For the relentlessly curious (like us!) check School of Squirt.

Why Your Labia is Just Right

September 10, 2015 by Vigdis 1 Comment

A woman’s body – yes, your body – is a pretty wonderful place. It’s angular. Soft. Curvaceous. It’s got folds and creases, divots and flecks of color. Yet despite rah-rah-rah-ing ourselves, there seems to be a constant underbelly of worry that something about our bodies just isn’t right.

Case in point: Refinery 29’s article Labiaplasty: What’s a ‘Normal’ Vagina? Despite their misnomer of “vagina” instead of “vulva” in the title, the point of the article isn’t lost. Many women are so concerned that the length of their labia is unattractive or abnormal that they want to undergo the knife for a trim.

Oh dear.

Thankfully, Refinery 29 makes a good point:

“In terms of size of the labia minora, there’s a wide range in what’s normal,” Dr. Lauren Streicher says. “But, what’s average is four centimeters or less from base to tip. And, just as a lot of women have one breast that’s bigger than the other, there will often be one labia that’s a little longer.”

Let’s not forget the wonderful words of Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat Pray Love, voiced through the character Liz:

“Let me ask you something, in all the years that you have… undressed in front of a gentleman has he ever asked you to leave? Has he ever walked out and left? No? It’s because he doesn’t care! He’s in a room with a naked girl; he just won the lottery…”

Add that to the fact that only 2% of men considered wishing a partner’s labia were shorter (versus 30% of women who wished their own labia was shorter) and the case for not signing up for plastic surgery suddenly has even more weight.

Our bodies are all different – and yes, even asymmetrical in places. While the notion of imperfect vulvas stems from a culture overly willingly to critique and rate physical forms (we won’t even link to the “World’s Best Vagina” contest held last year) we want to say this: you don’t have to listen to society. Your labia is yours, and you are allowed to love it, just as it is.

Open to Open Relationships?

September 1, 2015 by Vigdis Leave a Comment

More and more dots on the sexual spectrum are shedding their taboo factor and becoming, dare we say, mainstream. (Think BDSM’s rise to popularity, with a huge hat tip to Mr. Grey, of course). Another hawt talk topic these days is open relationships – but like whips and spankings, this isn’t a one-size-fits-all sort of sexual activity.

So how do you know if you actually want to dip your toes in the open relationship sea? Well, we’ve got a few thoughts on the matter:

Monogamish vs. polyamorous

Advice columnist Dan Savage coined the term “monogamish,” which he and his husband call their relationship. They both are allowed to have sex on the side, but they don’t date or develop emotional attachments to their partners.

Polyamory is a whole different ball game which involves dating multiple people, forming bonds with multiple people, and even being in love with multiple people. The point being, to a degree, rather than hide feelings, be open about them.

If you’re single, try seeking out a non-monogamous date.

A great way to decide if an open relationship might be your cup of tea is to become part of one (rather than starting one with a partner). One O’a team member had a great experience meeting a man online who had a primary partner but both he and his lady enjoyed casual dating and sex on the side. “That experience was like a relationship lite – we enjoyed good sex, fun dates and illuminating conversations, but skipped all the intimate moments and hard talks that come from real commitment.”

She even felt inspired by the couple: “They were incredibly open and honest with another about what they were thinking, who they were seeing, and how they felt. I was impressed by their level of communication!” Which leads to our next point, actually…

The first rule of open relationships is you have to talk about your open relationship.

At least a little, and preferably a lot (though some couples choose a don’t ask, don’t tell policy). If you are in a committed, stable relationship, opening it up requires that you express yourself, your wants, and your needs. Which means a) it helps to be in touch with your wants and needs and b) it helps to be able to be vulnerable with your partner. Also, when treading in this territory, it’s important to communicate what the rules, boundaries and nature of the openness are for you. (and be super adamant about protection.)

Other than that, there are no hard and fast rules – it’s really up to what you and your partner decide.

Pro tip: We recommend an “off-limits” rule, where the two of you talk about people you would not be okay with your significant other hooking up with.

Opening up your relationship almost assuredly will not “save” your relationship.

If your relationship is sinking, we really don’t think that agreeing to sleep with other people is the answer. It might keep your breakup at bay for a few extra weeks or months, but everyone in successful open relationships have one big thing in common: they’re in successful relationships first and foremost.

We can’t help but think of Dido as we wrote this point.

Move like a snail.

Not in bed (unless you’re into that, of course), but in the opening up of your relationship. It’s a-okay to start just by talking to your partner about people you find attractive, or even doing research together (Start here with this article in Bustle). Getting all cheetah-like and going from monogamous to multiple partners in the course of a week or two can quickly get your and your partner’s emotions all wonky, and cause friction where there needn’t be.

Of course, this is just a primer to ponder if an open relationship is something you want to explore. Think about these points and reflect on how the idea makes you feel.

We’d love to hear your thoughts on open relationships. Is it titillating? Off-putting? Weird in a good way? Weird in a bad way? Whatever you feel is absolutely fine. And of course, if this sounds terrible, then don’t do it – you come first.

Cuddling: It Does Your Body Good

August 25, 2015 by Vigdis 1 Comment

Spooning your favorite person doesn’t just feel good – it’s actually proven to be good for you. Whether taking on the role of big spoon is your preferred position, or you’re more of a little spoon (or you like to switch it up!), you’re getting some serious health benefits from this simple, zero-effort act.

Oxytocin release FTW!

When you snuggle up with your partner on the couch while binge-watching your new Netflix obsession, you’re not only being entertained by some of the best screenwriting and acting in years; your body is happily releasing oxytocin, the so-called love hormone. Oxytocin not only makes you feel amazing, but it strengthens your immune system, relieves pain (say au revoir, cramps!), and connects you to your partner which deepens your bond.

Perhaps they should call oxytocin the miracle hormone…

Cuddling is a gateway activity…to sex.

The more you touch your partner in a non-erotic way, the more likely you are to want to be sensual with them. Hand-holding, hugs, and snuggling are all pre-cursors to foreplay. When you feel connected and loved (and all that oxytocin is racing around inside of you), you can release dopamine, which can also be called the sex hormone.

Cuddling is also a gateway activity to being a social butterfly.

We love how Lifehack puts it: “Oxytocin inspires positive thinking. It helps you have an optimistic outlook on the world. Which means when you get a hug right as you arrive at the party where you only know one person, you’re going to feel happier and more social going in. You’ll feel like you can charm everyone at the party. And with oxytocin coursing through your system, you will!”

And we say “Heck yes!” to anything that reduces anxiety and makes you feel like a million bucks.

Yes, you can cuddle yourself – or your cat! – for the same benefits.

As we were researching this post, a question came up at O’a HQ: what if I’m single? It seemed like a shame that not having a special someone to spoon meant missing out on such healing powers.

We were thus delighted to learn that getting a massage, snuggling your pet, taking a warm bath, or even rubbing your own shoulders released the same oxytocin and made you feel better. Phew!

Which leads us to wonder, though: is cuddling memorable for you? Do you have specific cuddling moments that come to mind and make you think “Can’t wait to do that again?” Tell us about it!

#BestNewsEver: Sex Gets Better with Age

August 11, 2015 by Vigdis 1 Comment

There’s a lot to worry about as we age: losing flexibility (when was the last time we tried to touch our toes?), losing eye-sight, and becoming the one thing we said we never wanted to be: our parents (sigh, it’s inevitable).

But there’s also a lot to look forward to: knowing ourselves (and wearing what we want!), making life decisions without needing approval from others (like O’a Founder Kit moving to Denver and buying her first home via a FaceTime walk through!), and best of all: the best sex of our lives (YESSSS!).

Seriously, Even Better Sex is Around the Corner.

The University of Manchester queried 7000 older folks about their sex lives and got some uplifting responses. According to the Daily Telegraph, “Some 80 per cent of sexually active men over 50 are apparently satisfied with their sex lives up until their ninth decade, according to a study published early this year by researchers at the University of Manchester.

As women get older, the picture is even rosier. The same study found that 85 per cent of sexually active women aged 50 to 69 are satisfied with their sex lives. Among the oldest group (79 plus), it goes UP to a startling 90 percent.

American’s clearly feel the same way – at least, so says senior sexpert and author Joan Price in an interview with the Huffington Post. “As the years went on, it got better and better and better, and the best sex I ever had was with the man I met when I was 57 and he was 64,” Price told them. Our response: Hallelujah!

Even some of the great women in our O’actually community have expressed similar sentiments:

@jupitersslut Shared with us on twitter: “Sex has improved with age because I’ve grown to accept and revel in my kink!”

Likewise, thesexualalchemist on Instagram answered, “Definitely improved!” to the question, “With age, has sex…Improved, Plateaued or Suffered?” She went on to explain, “I’ve worked on my ‘stuff’ and continue to do so daily. I practice bringing awareness and consciousness to intimate situations every day. I am willing to be open and vulnerable with myself and my partner.”

Why Does Being 50+ Lead to Great Sex?

There are a lot of reasons why aging correlates to better sex. The Stir cites that a study that found CONFIDENCE to be the answer to why.

Elite Daily suggests it’s because we know ourselves better.

But we love what Bobby Sington, a 63-year-old academic, had to say on the subject:

Despite his awareness that his libido isn’t what it was, he thinks he’s happier now than he was in his youth. “I’ve learnt that good sex isn’t all about gratification,” he says. “It’s about being in tune with the other person. And because I’m less obsessed with getting it, I can go more slowly and really enjoy the sensuality of it.”

Bobby, we are right there with you.

Frankly, this is all a bit of a relief to hear. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the pervasive thoughts that older people don’t – or even shouldn’t – have sex. Glad to know there’s a lot of orgasms and intimacy likely in our future.

O’a community, we want to hear more from you! What do you think: Has sex improved with age? Why?

Sexting (A How-To)

July 28, 2015 by Vigdis 1 Comment

Googling “How to sext” directs you to more articles than if you Googled “Things to do in California.” Seriously, every major – and minor – culture publication has a cheeky guide giving you the do’s and don’ts of putting your texting habit to use…in order to please your partner.

And while we at O’a fully support a mutually beneficial sextship, we want to take a Jiminy Cricket role for a moment and say, “Don’t forget about your pleasure!”

Okay, now that we’ve got that reminder out there, let’s talk sexting best practices, helpful tips, just what the heck all those emojis mean, and more.

Make sure you have consent from your sexting buddy.

While, not all sexting relationships carry over into fooling around live and in person, both parties still need to give an emphatic “Yes!” to some virtual hanky-panky.

Eliciting a “Yes!” over text is a little more convoluted than when in person. Removing tone of voice and adding a little fear of the person on the receiving end might show their friends and laugh can make you want to skip asking – or sexting – all together.

Our advice? Ask anyway. Contextualize it – don’t just write, “Yo, wanna sext?” without a precursor. Ask how his day is going. Relate how his day is going to you helping him relax or make it better (with a winky face if the day is already going great). Then suggest a little virtual foreplay, saying straight out, “If you’re into it, I am.”

Grammar is sexy.

All those meme’s you’ve seen on Facebook aren’t lying – from AskMen to Vice, the advice is ubiquitous: how you spell in sexting matters.

Dirty talk is a-okay…so long as you stick to basic rules of spelling and remain coherent.

Which means that you must double check before clicking “send” – there’s nothing like an autocorrect moment to turn an exciting “I want you to rub my clitoris!” to “I want to rub my clothes!” – excitement lost!

The secret to great sext-worthy photos.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, you want to make sure all those words are capturing what you’re actually trying to say.

Sending photos while sexting is a personal choice. We aren’t going to go too deep into the debate because it’s all very individual and situation specific.

Check in with yourself to make sure you don’t feel pressured into it either; photos aren’t for everyone and this is about mutual excitement. So, if it doesn’t turn you on or makes you too anxious, use your words and try a detailed description of certain body parts. You might be surprised by just how powerful those words can be.

If you do say yes, make sure that you enter the field thoughtfully, cautiously and with deep trust in your partner. We highly recommend avoiding the face. It can help ease you into the experience and make you feel more confident about the anonymity of the sexy body pics.

A final note, if you do vote “yay” for sexy pics, remember the golden nude-photo rule: context is key. Showing just a picture of your nipple is less exciting for your partner (and for you!) as angling your camera up to capture the curve of your breast, your nipple, and hopefully your lips angling into a smile.

Psst. If you voted “nay” to taking some clothes off, we love the tips in this article from Wired. Learn to photograph “safe” body parts, like knees and fingers, in a sensual, teasing way.

What you must know about emoji: Eggplant = penis.

We are an image-driven culture; not just in how we look (we’ve been trying to reverse that one for awhile) but now in how we communicate, too. Of course, emoji are also all over sexting, but since Apple and Android are family friendly devices, adults have taken cartoon peaches and Ok-signs into an entirely different context.

As for if you should use emoji in your sexting? Plenty of people are doing it, so we say, if you think it’s cute and fun and turns you on, go forth and put that smiling whale in.

If you’re not quite sure about the whole eggplant/penis translation, we highly recommend Flirtmoji, which integrates into your phone and allows you send almost X-rated emoji to your virtual “lovah.”

Little white lies are okay.

We seriously love what Vice’s Sexting for Dummies had to say about this:

It hurts no one to make things up during a sexting sesh, and chances are they’re returning the favor anyway. Technology allows you to turn “Just woke up in the bus depot :-(” to “Ooh I just got out of a hot bath…” in seconds. Abuse this power.

Plus, almost assuredly, they’re doing the same fudging. If it’s more fun, then what’s the harm?

Team O’a members have indulged in the occasional sexting from the office to spice up a long day at work, and the barely there lingerie being described allowed for a shared mental picture (even if reality was a maxi skirt and muscle tank).

Finally and most importantly, write what turns YOU on.

One of the most important things you can do during sexting (and sex!) is engage in what makes you want to curl into a tiny ball of joy and then explode into a thousand fireworks.

Let sexting be flirty way to express yourself and your sexuality.

When you’re truly enjoying what you’re writing, it is conveyed to your partner, and they’ll respond with the same true pleasure.

Before initiating, take a moment to think about where your dirty thoughts might take you today. If you are invited to partake, don’t rush into the conversation, give your mind the chance to roam. Of course, the beauty of sexting is the instant communication, so by all means balance your caution with spontaneity and instinct (this gets easier with practice and a regular sexting buddy)! The most important thing of all is to have fun with it and see just how hot you can make that moment!

We want to hear from you!

Do you sext?
Let us know if you’re into it or not!
Have any tips or insights to share?
We would love to hear them, there’s always room to improve our sexting game!

Want Some Further Inspiration?

Check out a sext convo that one of our seriously saucy Pleasure Pledgers sent into us last month, our first installment of Adventures in Real Sexts.

Click HERE for Real Life Inspiration!

We were impressed by the combo of openness, playfulness, and HOTNESS (and her clever use of pictures only when and of what was comfortable for her!).

They follow most of the rules; and when grammar and autocorrect get in the way they acknowledge the silliness and move right back into the good stuff.

Hope you enjoy!

Don’t hesitate to send us one of yours, we will always respect your anonymity and privacy… but come on, you know some stuff is too good not to share!