“If you leave here remembering one thing,” I am known to say when speaking, “please understand the imperfect overlap between our fantasies and our actual real life desires.”
So many of us walk around with fantasy anxiety. We worry that our own fantasies make us weird or even unloveable. We worry that the fantasies of our partners makes them weird or even unsuitable mates. Often times we carry around all this angst because we’ve unconsciously assumed that a fantasy MUST directly map onto a desire for real world sex.
But why not first ask:
“Is my fantasy actually something I want to experience in real life?”
There are three answers to that question and it might surprise you how easy they are to work with.
- YES! Great. You realize that you actually do want to have trapeze sex whilst wearing a mermaid costume. Cool. What’s Google here for if not to help you make manifest that dream?! Be safe. Be consensual. C O M M U N I C A T E. Have fun.
- Maybe…. Great. Let the inquiry marinate. Notice if and when it shifts to a yes or a no. Proceed with pleasure.
- Nope. That’s just for me. Great. Knowing this allows for angst free solo-sex exploration. So you can stop worrying about what your fantasies mean and start enjoying them in peace (and with double downed pleasure.)
Please don’t pre-maturely convince yourself that your partner’s fantasies mean something about you or your relationship. They likely do not.
If your partner behaves one way in solo-sex, it does not necessarily mean anything about the partner sex they want to have with you. What we fantasize about, particularly during solo-sex, is both make believe and when we are alone. Just like your fantasies can exist exclusively in fantasy land, so can your partner’s.
So please also extend the possibility of space between fantasy and desires for real world sex to your partners. Not just because it is kind but because it might likely lead to some freedom for yourself too.
Get curious about the overlap and the space between your fantasies and your real life desires. Allow yourself to let go of the head trippy spiraling on what it all means. Above all else, have fun.
*Partner-sex involves more complexity. By definition it involves a whole other person(s) – their fantasies, their desires, and the intimacy and connection of your relationship. So check in with your partner about their fantasies. Where are they just fantasies – meant to me left in the mind or the material/porn? Where is their room to play with bringing them to life?Communicating a desire to make fantasies manifest can feel overwhelming. So we’ll talk about ways to navigate that soon. Message me with any specific questions you might have and I’ll be sure to address them (anonymously) in that post.
With love to you and all your weird/not weird fantasies,