KINK/BDSM was once in a confusing realm for me. I had a lot of false assumptions and patriarchal judgements to let go of and so very much to learn. Thank you to the many humans – dominatrixes, performers, survivors, and adventurers, who over the years have vulnerably and courageously shared your journeys, insights, and wisdom with me. I dedicate this post to you.
Sacred Sexuality ♦ Healing ♦ KINK/BDSM.
There are a lot of words there that might need defining. Here’s an intro or re-boot:
Sacred Sexuality: This is a term usually associated with the Tantra community. That might evoke images of rockstars having eight hour sex sessions. However, what is at the core of Tantra is the belief that God* is us and we are God. In Tantra, we are all one interconnected web with Spirit. Source IS us. We are Source. Seamless.
In this way, Tantra differs from other spiritual and religious institutions that are rooted in a belief that God is separate and outside of us. In those traditions, God is usually accessed only through an anointed leader and/or institution.
*If God isn’t your jam, insert Spirit, Source, The Universe, The Divine, Love or whichever word(s) resonate with you.
Healing – My Definition: Consensual practices that are intended to facilitate the release of trauma from the mind, body, and soul.
Transformative healing requires a courageous and willing heart. The journey is rarely linear or even sensical. However, following a healing path will often lead to previously unimaginable depths of compassion, freedom, and peace.
KINK/BDSM: Kink is an umbrella term for an exploration of sexual boundaries that are unconventional in our culture’s current structure. BDSM is an acronym for bondage, discipline, dominance and submission, and sadomasochism.
Though often misunderstood and misrepresented, these practices have a rich and beautiful history. Today many Kink and BDSM communities are at the forefront of helping us prioritize consent, expand our ability to define and receive pleasure, and reclaim our sexuality and erotic identities.
However, static images and abbreviated video clips of Kink, are often presented without the context that grounds and reminds us of the deep levels of communication and consent that has preceded the creation of this work. This is a problematic truth of the interwebs and a complexity in need of continued discourse and engagement.
So where do these three things all come together in overlap?
The first times I asked this question, there was part of me that actually wanted to say: What? I don’t believe you. How can beating someone up (which is how I perceived the images I’d seen of whips and chains) be either Sacred or healing?
Over the years, however, my skepticism softened and then melted fully into deep appreciation.
Conversations with dominatrixes, performers, survivors, Tantra practitioners and leaders, have lead me to come to a different set of questions:
Who am I to question what is Sacred for another? Tantra embraces the paradox that we are one, and in our oneness we are unique. Therefore to honor my own Sacred sexuality, I must also honor, without attachment, the Sacred sexuality of others.
Who am I to judge a healing modality, especially when I am witness to its undeniable yielding of inner-peace, freedom, and empowerment in others?
I personally have not yet been called to explore the world of Kink as a participant. Maybe that day will happen, maybe it won’t. I’m not too concerned about it. What I am instead focused on is a fiercely committed honoring of my own intuition to guide me to the modalities that are of highest service to me on my journey. Equally, I am committed to holding that space for others.
It wasn’t too long ago, that the psychotherapy that we now tend to recommend in an automated fashion, was thought of as dangerous, ineffective, and farcical.
I think of the work that has facilitated the most healing for me – work involving plant medicines, family constellations, and archetypes of the Divine Feminine. I smile to think how a member of the BDSM community could so easily view those modalities with skepticism. But then again, even though BDSM is so often misunderstood and misrepresented, the community itself is of the most compassionate and understanding around. So they probably would cheer me and my practices on. And so it is with great pleasure and gratitude that I return that celebratory cheering back their way.
With love and reverence for your journey,
P.S. I feel like this post is already asking for a Part 2… Maybe some interviews with folks in the BDSM community?! Comment below with questions or areas you’d like me to further explore and I’ll do my best to address them.