Have you ever googled something even when you already knew it was just going to lead to a quagmire of confusion?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m genuinely unclear on how we functioned before Grandmother google graced us with instant ability to know everything. However, sometimes everything isn’t actually helpful.
This was the case when a woman recently wrote to me saying that she was struggling with vaginal orgasm.
She admitted she’d done all the googling and yet, she just wasn’t finding useful information. If anything, what she was reading was making her and her partner feel more and more like they weren’t enough.
In a world where key communication is limited to 140 characters and sounds bites are honored over nuance, we often end these searches with lots of information yet little understanding. The result is more confusion, more concern, and less of an idea of what to do.
In my response to this lovely lady (with remarkably common concerns about penetrative pleasure), I was upfront about my non-linear and sound bite free reply.
I am thankful for her willingness to consider an alternative from formulaic approaches (it’s not easy to let go of our stronghold on quick fixes!). It was wonderful to hear back from her that it was “some of the most helpful advice and I really can’t thank you enough.”
I’m sharing my personalized response to this individual in hopes that it might have a collective resonance with you.
Her (very common) concern: I’m having trouble reaching a full orgasm via only vaginal penetration.
Love, thank you for bringing this query to me.
Firstly, I feel you in this struggle. Orgasms from only vaginal penetration are a particularly elusive thing for many of us.
One of the reasons your internet searches aren’t feeling very helpful is because even though this is a common concern for many women, addressing it is personal to each individual.
One question to consider at this point is, “why does it matter?” I mostly ask to take some of the pressure off for a bit. If penetration is feeling good* and clitoral orgasms are accessible, then maybe focus primarily on the awesomeness of that. And your partner can feel really good about that too!!!!
(*Please let me know if penetration is not feeling good or if there is any pain because that might reveal some different stuff happening.)
Okay, so first step, take some of the pressure off and feel really good about good sex and clitoral climax. And also give some extra praise and gratitude to your partner here! I love that you two are communicating on this – wonderful and impressive!
Secondly, how familiar are you and your partner with your female prostate? This is a game changer and my friend Hayley Porter has taught me so much here. There is an interview I did with her last year that might be helpful. It’s called “it’s not pee!” and it’s a podcast which you can find on O’actually or on iTunes with Pleasure with O’actually podcast. I mention this for a number of reasons. One is that when there is a concern in one area it’s fun (and useful) to take a pause on the concern and discover something/deepen with something new together. Just. for. FUN! No need to put any pressure on female ejaculation. My invitation here to you is to focus on finding your prostate and giving her some extra greetings and love.
Thirdly, our culture doesn’t often talk about how different various types of orgasms are from one another. This is when our culture’s comparison shadow comes up and we start comparing even our orgasms. We start expecting a sameness or placing a hierarchy on them. Hierarchy with even our orgasms! Yeesh. Patriarchy creeps into everything!I But I’ve totally been there with this myself.
So allowing the penetration feels to be honored in a way that is without comparison to the clitoral feels, will be a welcomed shift for your body and system.
Pause there. This might not be the linear answer that others give and it is purposely restrained. There is plenty already here to explore in intimacy with yourself and your partner.
Play, stay curious, and enjoy. You’re doing great.
So much love and pleasure to you, Kit xx
And to you dear reader, so much love and pleasure too,